Steve[tm]'s RANT page.

Stevie[tm]'s RANT page.

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RAVE's out. PLUR's passe. WHINE with the RANTers.
Opinions from a selfish twelve year old boy.


  • Dress your children in nothing but Club Monaco.

  • Never sweat. That means never exercising, being somewhere that doesn't have climate control, or being fat.

  • Actually, just don't be fat.

  • Vegetarianism is old news. Don't be a hypocrite. Save everything living, or don't save anything at all. That means, eat everything, or become Anorexic. I have no time for people who do things, half-assed.

  • I don't like the colour green. Avoid it, at all costs.

  • Nobody actually sits at the steps of Second Cup, because it's a nice day outside. The Second Cup at Church and Wellesley is nothing but a bathhouse that serves Chillers and Moccaccinos. And bad ones, at that.

  • Contrary to popular belief, South Park is NOT funny. I'd rather watch someone get a papsmear, than be forced to watch that horribly animated show.

  • You like Randy River? I don't like you. It's just that simple.

  • Everyone should have a full stock of popsicles in their house. That, and a never ending supply of juice.

  • The GAP should not make clothing for men over size 36" waist, and should stop women's sizes at 16. Anyone larger than those sizes should be discouraged from buying GP clothing, and should be forced to shop at Boca, Addition Elle, or Cotton Ginny Plus.

  • Anyone who brags about consumption of (e) truly need to re-evaluate themselves. If this is your biggest bragging right, maybe a knife through the wrist would be a good idea.

  • Being pretentious is an art. People who are bad at it should be mocked. People who are good at it should be rewarded. Preferably through the donation of Pants.

  • The only colours that should be worn are: Greys, Blacks, Khakis, Creams, Whites. Highlights of Reds and Blues are tolerable.

  • Jello should be made with half the water suggested. If you can't bounce on it, you shouldn't be eating it.

  • There are three things that are currently overrated: (a) Ricky Martin (b) Star Wars Episode 1 (c) The Millenium. Again, I care as much about these as I care about South Park.

  • Purell Antibacterial Hand Sanitizer is to be worshipped.

  • It is okay to be selfish, if you look young and can get away with things. If you're old, or weird looking, you should allow others to take advantage of you.

  • No one should carry around cellphones, but everyone should have their own, private messaging service.

  • The words Staple, Pesto, and Okra are often underused. Incorporate them into your daily vocabulary.

  • Should we tolerate people who don't brush their teeth? No.

  • Just because someone is taller than me, or older than me doesn't give them the right to pinch my cheeks.

  • Venetian Blinds should be banned from the universe. They don't actually block out all sunlight, and they're hideously tacky. Curtains should be made from black felt, and then covered with some sort of gingham. No sun should be able to shine through your windows. I am not, however, a 'goth'. Don't even get me started on that...

  • Biggest vocabulary pet peeve: The word 'ghetto'. The word should never be used seriously; tongue-in-cheek use is okay, on occasion. The only word worse than 'ghetto' is 'budget'. It's like a WASP's version of the word 'ghetto'.

  • Phone numbers should be easy to memorize, and contain no more than 3 different digits. If I can't remember your number, you're really not worth calling in the first place.

  • Fat free yogurt sucks. It's too freakin' runny. If you're going to eat yogurt, or ANYthing for that matter, make sure it's Lots-o-fat. There's no use eating, if you're going to be healthy.

  • I never had a squeezetoy, and I don't care for Kim Estes and the Boomtang boys wailing about one. Nor do I care about Kim Stockwood's middle age crisis. Your dog died. You lost your bike. Where's the verse about your alcoholic father getting you pregnant and then punching you in the stomach, as a method of abortion? Got edited? Oh pity.

  • Everyone should own a nice pair of decent running shoes, and everyone should be forced to wear them. Respect goes out to those twenty something working women who wear grey dress pants, with running shoes and a 3/4 length sleeve shirt, with a tiny pocket on their upperarm.

  • I have no respect, however, for those people who wear the stupid necklaces and bracelets that look like henna tattoos.

  • MOST IMPORTANTLY: : Walk Left, Stand Right. IF you can't understand that, don't ride the freakin' escalators.